China Schedule

In case anyone is wondering and needs a quick reference for when I'm coming and going this summer, here you go!

June 23- I'm flying to California for team leader training
June 27- I'm flying back to Missouri for Kate and Nick's wedding
June 29- Flying back to Cali to join my team for team training
July 2- Flying to Hong Kong
August 2- Flying to the US (Cali) for debriefing
August 5- Flying back to Missouri

Now you can't say I didn't put it out there for ya!

...and here's my mailing address for anyone who might want it.

Erica Smith
ELIC Hong Kong Office
English Language Institute (Hong Kong), Limited
Rear Portion, 2/F., Ocean View Court, No. 41 Mody Road
Tsim Sha Tsui, Kowloon, Hong Kong

of late....

I have not written on this in a million years! But I don't want to dwell on that. Let's just pretend I posted last week and there's no need to catch up on the last several months. Not that many people even read this, but you know.
There have been several notable things have happened though, that I should add to this here blog.
1. Rob Marshall kissed me on April 24 (Yes, it was amazing and knocked my socks off)
2. Rob Marshall became my boyfriend (and a wonderful and amazing and good lookin' one he is!)
3. Casey gets about 50% of the acclaim for the relationship beginning, as she's the one who encouraged the kiss. :) God gets the other 50%.
4. I made it through a third year of teaching!
5. I had the best birthday ever of my life thanks to my dear friends, the fabulous Kate, and that hunk Rob.
6. Casey, Kate, Allison and I spent four fun and walking filled days in Chicago to celebrate the beginning of summer!
7. I'm leaving for China in about three weeks...and I'm still not sure how I feel about it all the time.

The last couple weeks of the relationship have been a bit trying at times; difficult one could say. Rob's out at Discipleship Focus all summer as a mentor, and it's a pretty all-consuming position. And he lives out there. Hmmmm. Big change from seeing him everyday, sharing meals together, going running together. Bring in the emotions!!!!! That's right, Erica has become emotional. My feelings get hurt. I'm sensitive. I cry! This may not seem like a big deal, but it really is. I hardly ever cry, ask Casey.

So, I didn't really know what to do with all the sudden emotions and felt like I was being silly and girlie. Then I realized it was just that new depths of my heart were being connected to Rob's and that our relationship was growing. So, that's good right? Yeah, but the thing is, growth, in particular love, comes from dying to yourself, your "rights", your desires, your plans. That doesn't feel so good. Enter all the ugly parts of Erica that she hides from everybody! Selfishness, jealousy, impatience, self-centeredness, lack of trust, holding onto control.
Now enter God's grace.
aaaahhhhhhhhhhh. That's better!
It's taken the whole first half of this week to get to the root of things in my heart; why I was responding the way I was, where my fears were stemming from, what it really is that should be the focus of our relationship. It comes to this really, Rob was feeling as if he should have to work harder for me, for my love; like he needed to earn it. So, then he didn't know what to do when I kept just extending out to him my heart, without any need for earning it, but just receiving it and being thankful. In believing this about himself, he then passed the expectation for performance to me, unwittingly. I knew I couldn't meet that expectation, and felt hopeless! (Just for a little bit) We had a great talk about all that, and then God continued to speak to me about it.
Thanks to Romans 5 (the Message) and The Shack, I've come to this- relationships need expectancy, not expectations. Expectancy holds...mystery, hopefulness, excitement, a constant looking to see what's next, and great enjoyment and thankfulness when the thing happens! Expectations hold...rules, requirements, standards, responsibilities, and can lead to an economy of performance, guilt, shame, disappointment, hopelessness, and judgment. Instead of having spoken or unspoken expectations for the other person to meet, I think each person needs to share honestly how their heart receives love, what they need, what they appreciate, and then you just...have...to...trust. Trust that the other person is listening to the Spirit; trust that he is listening to you and remembering; trust that he really is committed; trust that he will continue to grow in knowing how to love you. And trust that God is the ultimate satisfier of your heart's deepest needs, and fills in perfectly all the times we fail.
If its about measuring up or meeting the standard, then its not love. If its about earning, hard work, perfectly fulfilling all the responsibilities, then it's not grace. And a relationship must have both love and grace in abundance.
So, we're learning a lot these days, and I'm so thankful that Rob WANTS to learn with me and is so soft toward our Teacher. I'm also very thankful that today, when we got some treasured time together, I was able to look forward to it expectantly, excitedly. And during the making of sandwiches, eating outside, and going to the lake, I was able to enjoy him, the conversation, his heart, the water, the sunshine, the sweetness SO deeply.
Romans 5 said it beautifully in The Message,
"In alert expectancy such as this [that is grown out of exercising patience in the midst of troubles], we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary, we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"

Spring is coming...

and I can't tell you how that makes my heart sing! The clear, blue sky, the warming temperature, the daffodils peeking up through the dirt: they cause my heart to swell with joy and a feeling of knowing I'm taken care of. A season only lasts for a certain period of time, and on just the right day it all starts turning over to the next one. I see that paralleled in my life, and it brings me comfort. I can walk through anything for a time. You never know when you'll be led into the next season.
This morning I was a little afraid that the next few days were going to be really hard for me, and even when I first woke up my mind was plagued by worries and the temptation to try to figure things out. I spent a little time in Proverbs and a verse stuck out to me. A gracious woman attains honor. It wasn't anything big or fancy, just a gentle reminder of what I'm called to- showing grace to those God puts into my day.
On the way to school I was listening to one of my favorite songs, with the words, "You are the everlasting God. The everlasting God. You do not faint. You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak. You comfort those in need. You lift us up on wings like eagles." It just really caused my heart to take courage, and embrace this day. It's all I know I have, and the everlasting God is present in it with me.
Mysteriously, God caused a huge joy to just fill me, and I found all day that my thoughts were focused, peaceful, intentional. I had the chance to encourage a dear friend of mine, as she's encouraged me so many times. I had some little snippets of time to ask several kids how they're doing and let them know that I notice them. I had a great talk with my vice principal. I'm very thankful for this day.
Thank you, Lord, for the changing seasons, and how running through them is the steadfastness of Your loving provision and sustaining power.

Thursday Thirteen- The Inaugural Edition!

Okay, my friend Carissa- whom I love- does this every week and I decided I wanted to join in!

Thirteen Reasons I'm Thankful to be a Teacher on Valentine's Day

• It's an excuse to make my kids cupcakes


• A chorus of 25 sweet voices saying, "Thank you!"


• Cards that say inspiring things like, "Girls Rock!" and "You're Purrrfect, Valentine!"


• Getting HUGE boxes of chocolates..that I won't eat


• My principal shows the love too! Krispi Kremes for breakfast!


• Seeing how many shades of pink and red fellow teachers can wear


• Unique presents. This year's winner- a gilded bird cage that is a music box


• Taking an opportunity to tell my kids I love them


• Hearing, "You're the best teacher in the world!" and knowing a cupcake was all it took!


• A stuffed dog that sings, " You Make Me Wanna Shout!" and declares love to me!


• Getting a gift certificate for a free mani or pedi!


• Ah...the conversation hearts. Faves: U GO GIRL, MY BOY, TOO HOT, and MAD 4 U


• Knowing I get to see these sweet kids tomorrow too! Unless it snows.

Here are a few documentary photos.

Gratitude

Today I feel slightly overwhelmed by the amount of change going on in my life, mostly due to an overhaul of the heart that Jesus has been working on in the last several weeks. I find myself seeing EVERYthing differently, and, to quote Sara Groves, "The thing I could count on, things I thought would never change, they just broke open wide."

In an attempt to quite my heart I wanted to spend some time reflecting on the things I am sure of, that I'm thankful of, and that I can visually represent for you through the wonders of digital camera work!
First, I'm so thankful for my friends. Since I committed to going to China I haven't allowed my heart to go anywhere close to thinking about what it's going to be like to leave these precious people. In the last couple of weeks, however, as God's been opening up my heart to feel deeply again, I have felt a sensation like tearing of roots in my soul as I've thought of saying goodbye; a dull, aching, foreboding. I don't know, I feel like I'm just one of the most blessed people in the world to have men and women surrounding me who are passionate about Christ and knowing him, who are fun, who are real and vulnerable, who are committed to one another, and who enjoy a glass of wine from time to time. Here are a few of them.

I'm incredibly grateful for a beautiful place to live in. Branson, Missouri may not be for everybody, but I feel like my boundary lines have indeed fallen in pleasant places. I've always loved the changing of each season, the variety of colors and temparatures, having water nearby, driving through the hills going to Arkansas. It's just settling to my heart to be in the midst of this beauty.

Finally, I can't even express the gratitude in my heart for the church that I've been able to be a part of here. It's so much more than a church, or maybe its just that it is what a church should be: intentional, relational, Christ-centered, vulnerable, honest, dedicated to Biblical teaching, relevant, and so filled with...love. Deep, whole-hearted love. Three years ago when I went to China for a year, leaving was a completely different experience. My relationships were not as deep, yet my heart was very emotionally dependent on several of them. The times I would get sermon cds in the mail and could hear familiar voices and teaching were like breathing again. Now I've been a part of Harvest for seven years, and my roots are deeply entrenched in the rich, dark soil of these people, these friendships, this community. Young and old, we're a part of each other in a way that just feels so right.

I don't know what the conclusion for this post is. Maybe it is just to say that as my heart has been opened to seeing people again, to loving them deeply, and to desiring to be where I'm at, with what I've got I feel more than ever that I'm home. The eyes I look into, the voices singing with mine, the arms wrapped around me, the food we eat together, the conversations shared, the communion we receive, the joys and struggles walked through. For this time, these lives are my boundary lines; hemming in my heart's comings and goings.

The worst way to start a day...

...for a teacher, is to come into school and find that nine of her students haven't done their spelling work, which they had all week to do, and which I reminded them about every afternoon!!!! I tell you, its enough to make me have them write their words 100 times each over the weekend!!
In other news, there's been a lot going on in my heart lately, all of it good I'm happy to say. God's been showing me many ways that I've closed my heart off to people, and to Him, in the last year or so. I didn't even realize it was happening, and since I'm such a controller and kind of thick headed I guess, it took a long time for Jesus to get me to see the extent to which I was interacting with others out of fear. Fear of having to face my desires, fear that they wouldn't be met, fear of having to feel emotions like loneliness and jealousy, fear of letting someone else in. It all culminated on Sunday night, when, at 1:30 am I suddenly felt my heart breathe again. It felt alive and open and soft. Until I felt those things, I hadn't even noticed that I hadn't been feeling them. It really has made me think about how we have to be vigilant and watchful with our hearts, and has reminded me that I can't even know my own heart and its condition fully. We are so in need of the Spirit to enlighten us, free us, and help us walk in step with Christ's life and heart.
Well, that post took a turn for the better, now didn't it?!

Monday Night Lights- PeeWee Pirates

I love my kids, and by "my kids" I mean my students. My boys hold a special place in my heart, because this year they're particularly sweet and soft-hearted. Some of them, sweet as they are, also play football, and for the last week have been BEGGING me to come watch them play between the junior high and junior varsity games that were Monday night. How could I turn them down? My friend Kati went with to keep me company. She's my class helper every Friday afternoon when we're finishing up our crazy day.
















It was just so adorable how excited they were to see me there. Who would think that fifth grade boys would care so much? It made my day!



















These boys were in my class last year.

Thoughts These Days

It seems to be the trend in my blogging life to go for long periods of time without posting anything, and then try to pack the events of several months into a little show and tell. Honestly, the problems is Facebook. It's quick. It's immediately gratifying. People respond to you. It pulls me in. But I don't want to abandon this blog, especially since, hopefully, in about a year it may be one of the main ways I keep in touch with everyone in the US.

That's right. One of the main things going on in life these days is applying to go BACK to China for four years. Two years would be spent in language school, learning Chinese of course; and two years would be spent teaching English in a university! I never expected God to place the desire to live in China again on my heart, but He has, and it's only gotten stronger the more I've considered it. I've completed my part of the application process: answers to essay questions, personality inventories, letters of recommendation, two hour long phone interview. Now all I can do is wait. sigh. Not my favorite thing to do.
When it first came to my mind to go back to China, as I was ending my time in California in August, I was shocked. More at my response than the thought of if. My first reaction was, "Yes! That sounds exciting!" That totally freaked me out, and I don't think I really accepted that it was truly me responding. So, I started taking steps in the process, and talked to a program counselor, who happens to be one of my friends. After the first time I talked to her I felt, still a little apprehensive about, and still couldn't really believe I was wanting to even consider doing this crazy thing again. The thoughts weren't going away though, so I kept taking little steps forward, until, now I find myself waiting in anticipation to hear back if I'm accepted or not! God has been faithfully giving me more and more vision, certainty, and desire the closer I've gotten to this point. His ways are truly so different from ours.

The funny thing is, and this also makes me sad from time to time, that I'm having the best year as a teacher so far. From the beginning of the year, I've felt so much more confident, on top of things, and knowledgable of how do things. I feel like I'm atuned to my kids much more quickly, and know how to handle most things. There are the exceptions of course. :) The community of our school has also been so much better this year, as I've gotten to know the people I work with, and as they've gotten to know me. I keep catching myself saying things like, "Next year I need to..." or, "Next year I should." Then I realize I may not be here. Weird...and kind of sad, but exciting too!

In other news, I'm practicing being more balanced with my other activities. I'm only doing worship once a month at Harvest, and then once a month with Shema. I'm no longer serving on the Mission's Board or leading a WATCH small group of C of O young women. As a result, I've felt much more connected to and responsible with my job responsibilities. I also have more free time on week nights, which has afforded the possibility of addiction, to TV shows. Alas, I'm afraid I am quite in love with Heroes, Grey's Anatomy, and Survivor. And an occasional Extreme Home Makeover or Dancing with the Stars doesn't hurt either. I guess I'm trying to get it all in this year because I may not have access to it next year?

Other than that, there are the constant changes, confrontations, great conversations, and growth in the relationships of my life. Although I'm thankful to have so many deep friendships, sometimes I get a little overwhelmed at the sheer volume of upkeep they take. Also thankfully, much patience and grace is afforded me by my friends, which I have great need of as I become more and more aware of my tendency to make everything into a plan of action or a task to complete.

BONUS!

My sister and her family happened to come to Cali while I was there, and after the wedding I got to go meet them at the beach for a few hours. It was so great to see them all!


Andrea and I. She fell and hurt her lip their first night there. :(














Momma and Andrea. Lori is my oldest sister and she lives in Arizona.













Baby bruver, otherwise known as Junior. :) Isn't that one of the most amazing faces you've seen? I couldn't stop kissing him.










Andrea and I had lots of fun making sand castles and jumping over waves coming in. Her laughter is SO infectious!

August

It's only the 17th, but it feels like the month is almost over. I'll do my best to give a quick recap of what's happened lately, and tell a little bit of what's on the horizon for Erica Smith.

It all started by going to California for two fabulous weeks of fun and wedding festivites with Amy and Monica, and of course, Pat too. The first couple days were spent packing the girls shared apartment, moving Amy and Pat to their new one and Monica to her new one, and cleaning the old one cleaner than it's ever been. :) All of this involved morning coffee runs, late nights, lots of heavy lifting, and millions of ascended and descended stairs. Needless to say we were all dirty, sweaty, and pretty unattractive for these first several days.

The beginning of the next week was great! We got Amy and Pat somewhat settled into their new place, with Mon and I taking over their guest room with our bags and such. The highlight of these days, for me, were the nightly 'hand and foot' games we'd play. It was Mon and I vs. Amy and Pat, and inspite of my serious handicaps (not having played in two years) we held our own. We also went to their church, followed by the beach, and pretty much just relaxed. We started looking and smelling a lot better too. :) Oh yeah, and went to Taco Tuesday at Over the Boarder for 99 cent tacos!

On Wednesday, before the wedding, Amy's college roommate Jana got in town and Pat and I got to meet her for the first time. It was magical. :) Seriously, she's great and I loved getting to know her. Then on Thursday all but one of the groomsmen flew in. Three of them had been in China with Pat at one time or another, so we all had a lot to talk about, and it was so much fun spending time all together. That night we girls went to a Jo Dee Messina concert that was great, except for the crazy pushing lady next to us. Friday we all went to the beach and then hung out at Amy and Pat's that night. Saturday was the rehearsal and dinner, which was super great and fun, and then... the wedding day!

Okay, the big day. Everything turned out just right: the flowers, the weather, the number of people, the food. It was just great. The bride, gorgeous and glowing, was relaxed and the groom was handsome and could hardly keep his hands off his wife. I was seriously impressed by the photographer, the dancing was fun, and Monica's toast was touching and funny. She's brilliant. The day was one of the happiest I've had, and I was so thankful to be a part of it.
Finally, it was over. The day was done. Amy and Pat headed off to Mexico for their honeymoon, and Monica and I enjoyed one last night and morning together. It was really strange saying goodbye and going back to Missouri, like I was time traveling or something. A couple friends took me to the airport and now, here I am, back in my classroom working away. And by working I mean, blogging. :) School starts next Thursday and I've met a few of the kiddos already. Not sure I'm ready, but when are we ever really ready for transitions in our lives? I'm still thinking a lot about boundaries for myself, which things to keep and which to let go of. I'm looking forward to a fun and fruitful school year, and listening for God's continued direction in my life. Hope you enjoyed the saga.