Friday, March 30, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
tour-o-the classroom
I thought I'd give a little glimpse into my daily world- here's my classroom! Welcome!
The view from my desk is quite exciting. Kind of boring with no kiddos! I get coffee in that mug almost every morning. :)
I LOVE that I have two windows, and they are almost always open.
And here I am so excited to be sitting at my desk and getting to work! :) Looks like it could use some work!
Just so you know, my hair IS GROWING! Getting longer by the day, I tell you!
The view from my desk is quite exciting. Kind of boring with no kiddos! I get coffee in that mug almost every morning. :)
I LOVE that I have two windows, and they are almost always open.
And here I am so excited to be sitting at my desk and getting to work! :) Looks like it could use some work!
Just so you know, my hair IS GROWING! Getting longer by the day, I tell you!
change, it is a comin'
So, I'm not a big fan of change; typical of a left brainer like me, who enjoys routine, plans, and organization. Anyone who knows me, knows this about me. It takes a while to adjust my heart and mind, and embrace new things. I'm a LOT better than I used to be, but it's still a struggle. It just so happens that I'm being given several changes to practice with right now!
First of all, my sister's moving out of Kate's house and into an apartment with a friend. She told Kate about this on Friday, but, knowing how change is hard for me, they waited to tell me until Sunday. I think they were a little afraid of how I would react. hmmm. It's not just that she's moving, it's that she has already started to move! She says to me Sunday night, "So, Jackie's moving back in town, and she has a cute apartment." Uh-oh, I think. "And...I've kind of already started moving in with her." sigh.
Of course, it's a good thing. She can be on her own for the first time since leaving home (and by "on her own" I mean apart from Kate and I). It's good for her. blah blah. We went to see the apartment with her, and it's very cute. I know she'll have a lot of fun living there, and we can go visit her and have fun times. Still, my heart was sad when we drove away and left her behind. What am I, a sister...or a mom? That's what comes of homeschooling your kids, I guess. They all think they are each other's moms.
Also in the realm of changes, one of my closest friends told me Sunday that she's engaged! It was quite the shocker, except not really, because that's just the kind of girl she is. So, there goes another one. And I'm tempted to feel forgotten and left behind.
There are a few other changes that are on top of these and are causing a feeling of general...unsettledness. Not a huge amount, but it's there. I like my plans and none of them seem to be working out the way I'd like.
The good thing is, in the midst of all this God is patiently pursuing my heart, continuing His training on hope. As I'm looking more deeply into what it means to hope, I'm being faced with the true depths of my desires- for a husband, a family, a sense of stability and belonging. They are stronger than I even imagined, which makes looking at them in the place I'm currently at, a little painful.
The hope would be that I recognize that the root of these desires are for significance, purpose, security- all of which can only ever be perfectly met by a God who has no needs, and gives all that I need, including the Spirit of His perfect Son to live inside of me. He gives the desire, and mercifully holds back the things that we would try to meet those desires with, so that we would see His surpassing ability to fulfill all our deepest dreams and strongest heart longings. So...what other choice do I have? He's where it's at! ;)
"I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned.
In awe of the one who gave it all.
I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered.
All I am is Yours" -Hillsong
First of all, my sister's moving out of Kate's house and into an apartment with a friend. She told Kate about this on Friday, but, knowing how change is hard for me, they waited to tell me until Sunday. I think they were a little afraid of how I would react. hmmm. It's not just that she's moving, it's that she has already started to move! She says to me Sunday night, "So, Jackie's moving back in town, and she has a cute apartment." Uh-oh, I think. "And...I've kind of already started moving in with her." sigh.
Of course, it's a good thing. She can be on her own for the first time since leaving home (and by "on her own" I mean apart from Kate and I). It's good for her. blah blah. We went to see the apartment with her, and it's very cute. I know she'll have a lot of fun living there, and we can go visit her and have fun times. Still, my heart was sad when we drove away and left her behind. What am I, a sister...or a mom? That's what comes of homeschooling your kids, I guess. They all think they are each other's moms.
Also in the realm of changes, one of my closest friends told me Sunday that she's engaged! It was quite the shocker, except not really, because that's just the kind of girl she is. So, there goes another one. And I'm tempted to feel forgotten and left behind.
There are a few other changes that are on top of these and are causing a feeling of general...unsettledness. Not a huge amount, but it's there. I like my plans and none of them seem to be working out the way I'd like.
The good thing is, in the midst of all this God is patiently pursuing my heart, continuing His training on hope. As I'm looking more deeply into what it means to hope, I'm being faced with the true depths of my desires- for a husband, a family, a sense of stability and belonging. They are stronger than I even imagined, which makes looking at them in the place I'm currently at, a little painful.
The hope would be that I recognize that the root of these desires are for significance, purpose, security- all of which can only ever be perfectly met by a God who has no needs, and gives all that I need, including the Spirit of His perfect Son to live inside of me. He gives the desire, and mercifully holds back the things that we would try to meet those desires with, so that we would see His surpassing ability to fulfill all our deepest dreams and strongest heart longings. So...what other choice do I have? He's where it's at! ;)
"I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned.
In awe of the one who gave it all.
I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered.
All I am is Yours" -Hillsong
Friday, March 9, 2007
Hope
I'm finding out I don't know as much about hope as I thought I did; or at least that the things I thought I knew, maybe I don't. I'm in a place right now where something I opened my heart up to hope for has been taken away. That is, the possibility of it has been taken away, and along with it I have to retreat out of depth in a close friendship. I feel deeply sorrowful about this, but on top of that is the continuing and deeper pain of something unexpected- Hope.
How can hope be painful? I used to think that to experience hope meant to feel a sense of well-being, anticipation, excitement. Now I'm realizing that hope is actually an act of leaving my heart open to the dreams God has placed in it, not knowing whether these will be satisfied or not, and in what way and time. Hope is a gnawing feeling of longing and yearning for what isn't yet. Jan Meyer puts it beautifully when she says, "Hope begins when the memory of what was, becomes a longing for what is to be restored."
I don't have to hope. My instinct in my current situation is to draw in my heart, ignore the feelings of rejection and disappointment, determine to never be vulnerable again; to cover up and hide. I don't have to give into the pain, to the place I'm being called to walk through again. But...if I shut myself off from feeling this aching, from working through the confusion, I shut myself off from the gentle healing that Christ can minister. I'll soon lose my ability to feel about anything, which takes away my ability to have compassion and love for others; or respond to the Spirit's presence and prodding. I could do that. But the results of losing intimacy with Jesus and those He brings into my life, would be far more devastating than having to feel wounded for a time.
I want to hope. I know each time I choose to continue loving when rejected, the Love becomes more of Christ's and less of mine. I know that each time I choose to trust God's sovereignty over man's mistakes and foolishness, His steadfastness and constancy becomes greater and more evident in me. I know that when I choose to hold onto the dreams He's placed deep in my heart, He enlarges my heart to experience all of who He is- the Dream Giver and the Dream Come True.
The decision to hope is risky. I'll no doubt experience disappointment and frustration as a result. But my heart isn't in my hands, or the hands of any man. It is held securely in the hands of a Father who speaks to my heart, "I'm right here with you sweetie. I'm not going to leave you, even for a second. Let me take care of you through this. I love you so much." He's worth the risk, and what He has planned will be worth the wait.
How can hope be painful? I used to think that to experience hope meant to feel a sense of well-being, anticipation, excitement. Now I'm realizing that hope is actually an act of leaving my heart open to the dreams God has placed in it, not knowing whether these will be satisfied or not, and in what way and time. Hope is a gnawing feeling of longing and yearning for what isn't yet. Jan Meyer puts it beautifully when she says, "Hope begins when the memory of what was, becomes a longing for what is to be restored."
I don't have to hope. My instinct in my current situation is to draw in my heart, ignore the feelings of rejection and disappointment, determine to never be vulnerable again; to cover up and hide. I don't have to give into the pain, to the place I'm being called to walk through again. But...if I shut myself off from feeling this aching, from working through the confusion, I shut myself off from the gentle healing that Christ can minister. I'll soon lose my ability to feel about anything, which takes away my ability to have compassion and love for others; or respond to the Spirit's presence and prodding. I could do that. But the results of losing intimacy with Jesus and those He brings into my life, would be far more devastating than having to feel wounded for a time.
I want to hope. I know each time I choose to continue loving when rejected, the Love becomes more of Christ's and less of mine. I know that each time I choose to trust God's sovereignty over man's mistakes and foolishness, His steadfastness and constancy becomes greater and more evident in me. I know that when I choose to hold onto the dreams He's placed deep in my heart, He enlarges my heart to experience all of who He is- the Dream Giver and the Dream Come True.
The decision to hope is risky. I'll no doubt experience disappointment and frustration as a result. But my heart isn't in my hands, or the hands of any man. It is held securely in the hands of a Father who speaks to my heart, "I'm right here with you sweetie. I'm not going to leave you, even for a second. Let me take care of you through this. I love you so much." He's worth the risk, and what He has planned will be worth the wait.
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