I'm finding out I don't know as much about hope as I thought I did; or at least that the things I thought I knew, maybe I don't. I'm in a place right now where something I opened my heart up to hope for has been taken away. That is, the possibility of it has been taken away, and along with it I have to retreat out of depth in a close friendship. I feel deeply sorrowful about this, but on top of that is the continuing and deeper pain of something unexpected- Hope.
How can hope be painful? I used to think that to experience hope meant to feel a sense of well-being, anticipation, excitement. Now I'm realizing that hope is actually an act of leaving my heart open to the dreams God has placed in it, not knowing whether these will be satisfied or not, and in what way and time. Hope is a gnawing feeling of longing and yearning for what isn't yet. Jan Meyer puts it beautifully when she says, "Hope begins when the memory of what was, becomes a longing for what is to be restored."
I don't have to hope. My instinct in my current situation is to draw in my heart, ignore the feelings of rejection and disappointment, determine to never be vulnerable again; to cover up and hide. I don't have to give into the pain, to the place I'm being called to walk through again. But...if I shut myself off from feeling this aching, from working through the confusion, I shut myself off from the gentle healing that Christ can minister. I'll soon lose my ability to feel about anything, which takes away my ability to have compassion and love for others; or respond to the Spirit's presence and prodding. I could do that. But the results of losing intimacy with Jesus and those He brings into my life, would be far more devastating than having to feel wounded for a time.
I want to hope. I know each time I choose to continue loving when rejected, the Love becomes more of Christ's and less of mine. I know that each time I choose to trust God's sovereignty over man's mistakes and foolishness, His steadfastness and constancy becomes greater and more evident in me. I know that when I choose to hold onto the dreams He's placed deep in my heart, He enlarges my heart to experience all of who He is- the Dream Giver and the Dream Come True.
The decision to hope is risky. I'll no doubt experience disappointment and frustration as a result. But my heart isn't in my hands, or the hands of any man. It is held securely in the hands of a Father who speaks to my heart, "I'm right here with you sweetie. I'm not going to leave you, even for a second. Let me take care of you through this. I love you so much." He's worth the risk, and what He has planned will be worth the wait.
me and my honey
About Me
- Erica Joy
- I am thankful for ...Rob, my sweet, softhearted, manly man ...a summer off of teaching ...the chance to be in Hong Kong for a month! ...faithful and steadfast friends ...my loving and supportive family ...longer hair ...my heart expanding ...experiencing more grace
7 comments:
Keep hoping and seeking - many times God has something better planned, just in His time!
Hebrews 11 says that hope is for things unseen. But Romans 10:17 says that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. So, if you have a promise, a word, from God, then you can have faith that that word will come to pass and it doesn't have to be just a hope anymore. In fact, it is already a finished work. I wish that I could give you an encouraging hug to get you through those times when you need a good cry and need to draw on someone else's faith. But since I can't, I will just let you know that I am joining my faith with yours and am eagerly anticipating your harvesttime.
Wow! Great thoughts! I could say many things right now (Lord knows I have been rejected many MANY times), but I think that where you are is ok. I don't think there in any pressing need to rush out. It's ok to hurt and it's ok to be sad, as long as, you remember that God is there with you. Also that there are others that are willing and wanting to invest in your life all the time no matter the situation. I pray that you don't attempt to close yourself off because community is one of the foundational parts of our faith. We are meant to be in community as we are made in God's image and God, Himself, is community. And in community is where real growth can happen.
Erica, you are truly a beautiful person and your heart reflects all that God is doing in your life. Thank you for your words. They encourage me and remind me that despite any hardship, Christ is my hope...not my cirumstances. Thank you for your words. I am blessed and honored to call you friend.
hey friend,
I've heard it said that "the bravest thing of all is always hope" - daylight will come, Christ is ever present in the dark times as well as the light, you are a warrior of hope! thanks for being my friend!
nick
OK, folks, please step back, give us some room. What we have here is a badly clogged blog - the flow has completely stopped! We'll be working through the night with Drano and a pipe snake and we hope to get things moving again by the beginning of the week...
i just knew we had something in common besides our slippers!!
turns out we use the same side of our brains!
i feel much better about our friendship now.
not that i was feeling badly about it.
in fact, i was feeling quite goodly about it. i'm so thankful for you and for our friendship and for your hard perseverance in seeking god relentlessly.
i love you!
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