of late....

I have not written on this in a million years! But I don't want to dwell on that. Let's just pretend I posted last week and there's no need to catch up on the last several months. Not that many people even read this, but you know.
There have been several notable things have happened though, that I should add to this here blog.
1. Rob Marshall kissed me on April 24 (Yes, it was amazing and knocked my socks off)
2. Rob Marshall became my boyfriend (and a wonderful and amazing and good lookin' one he is!)
3. Casey gets about 50% of the acclaim for the relationship beginning, as she's the one who encouraged the kiss. :) God gets the other 50%.
4. I made it through a third year of teaching!
5. I had the best birthday ever of my life thanks to my dear friends, the fabulous Kate, and that hunk Rob.
6. Casey, Kate, Allison and I spent four fun and walking filled days in Chicago to celebrate the beginning of summer!
7. I'm leaving for China in about three weeks...and I'm still not sure how I feel about it all the time.

The last couple weeks of the relationship have been a bit trying at times; difficult one could say. Rob's out at Discipleship Focus all summer as a mentor, and it's a pretty all-consuming position. And he lives out there. Hmmmm. Big change from seeing him everyday, sharing meals together, going running together. Bring in the emotions!!!!! That's right, Erica has become emotional. My feelings get hurt. I'm sensitive. I cry! This may not seem like a big deal, but it really is. I hardly ever cry, ask Casey.

So, I didn't really know what to do with all the sudden emotions and felt like I was being silly and girlie. Then I realized it was just that new depths of my heart were being connected to Rob's and that our relationship was growing. So, that's good right? Yeah, but the thing is, growth, in particular love, comes from dying to yourself, your "rights", your desires, your plans. That doesn't feel so good. Enter all the ugly parts of Erica that she hides from everybody! Selfishness, jealousy, impatience, self-centeredness, lack of trust, holding onto control.
Now enter God's grace.
aaaahhhhhhhhhhh. That's better!
It's taken the whole first half of this week to get to the root of things in my heart; why I was responding the way I was, where my fears were stemming from, what it really is that should be the focus of our relationship. It comes to this really, Rob was feeling as if he should have to work harder for me, for my love; like he needed to earn it. So, then he didn't know what to do when I kept just extending out to him my heart, without any need for earning it, but just receiving it and being thankful. In believing this about himself, he then passed the expectation for performance to me, unwittingly. I knew I couldn't meet that expectation, and felt hopeless! (Just for a little bit) We had a great talk about all that, and then God continued to speak to me about it.
Thanks to Romans 5 (the Message) and The Shack, I've come to this- relationships need expectancy, not expectations. Expectancy holds...mystery, hopefulness, excitement, a constant looking to see what's next, and great enjoyment and thankfulness when the thing happens! Expectations hold...rules, requirements, standards, responsibilities, and can lead to an economy of performance, guilt, shame, disappointment, hopelessness, and judgment. Instead of having spoken or unspoken expectations for the other person to meet, I think each person needs to share honestly how their heart receives love, what they need, what they appreciate, and then you just...have...to...trust. Trust that the other person is listening to the Spirit; trust that he is listening to you and remembering; trust that he really is committed; trust that he will continue to grow in knowing how to love you. And trust that God is the ultimate satisfier of your heart's deepest needs, and fills in perfectly all the times we fail.
If its about measuring up or meeting the standard, then its not love. If its about earning, hard work, perfectly fulfilling all the responsibilities, then it's not grace. And a relationship must have both love and grace in abundance.
So, we're learning a lot these days, and I'm so thankful that Rob WANTS to learn with me and is so soft toward our Teacher. I'm also very thankful that today, when we got some treasured time together, I was able to look forward to it expectantly, excitedly. And during the making of sandwiches, eating outside, and going to the lake, I was able to enjoy him, the conversation, his heart, the water, the sunshine, the sweetness SO deeply.
Romans 5 said it beautifully in The Message,
"In alert expectancy such as this [that is grown out of exercising patience in the midst of troubles], we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary, we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"