saying "no"

I like very much to think that I'm in control of my life, and in some cases, other people's lives as well. Disgusting, but true. I value my independence, my ability to get things done, my efficiency, my common sense. If there's one thing, or four things, that drive me crazy, it's when other people don't possess these same qualities. I see it as a weakness, and that's when I swoop in to save the day. Again, quite disgusting, but I'm just trying to be honest here. The sad thing is that I don't always realize the affect that such attitudes and beliefs are having on me, until it's too late.

Right now is a too late. Because I think God and others need so much of my help, this spring and summer I have or will sing in five weddings. I'm leading the music for vbs at my church. I'm going to countless wedding, engagement, and baby showers. I'm babysitting for people. I'm going to going away parties, birthday parties, and hang outs. I went to South Dakota, St. Louis, and Kansas City just in June. I'm going to California in August. I need to get in my classroom and get some things done. My car is a mess. I need to get my bridesmaids dress altered and buy shoes, and get a haircut. The list goes on.

I thought I was fine with all of this, until the last week or so. Every night I lie down and just lay there, each of these things racing through my mind, contemplating when to get it all done, which is most important, how much each costs, who I may disappoint, what people will think of me as I perform in each task. Sick. I lay there for an hour or more, my mind like a runaway train, a growing feeling of anxiety and helplessness. Last night at small group I felt frustrated and irritated the whole time, because we were talking about all these deep philosophical things, when I felt so down in the dirty trenches. I felt disconnected and alone. I tried presenting the things to God, asking Him to help me receive His peace, relaxing my body. All the time my jaw is periodically cramping, sending shooting pains up into my head. Clearly, I was nowhere near in control of anything, but my straining to grasp at everything was driving me to this miserable state.

I called Monica at almost one in the morning, my time. I poured out everything to her listening, compassionate ear, and finally had to hear something from her that I knew was true the second she said it. "You have to say no to some things, Erica!" But that means some people might be disappointed in me. They might question my ability to "handle" things. They might not find someone else to do the thing they asked me to do. Someone else may not be able to do it as well. God's will might not be done!!! Hello, Erica!!! I've made a god of myself. Mon encouraged me to drop some things right away and I decided on a few I could do. I didn't go to vbs today, and I'm not going to my friend's photog. studio open house tonight. They seem like little things, but they mean I have to trust God to work in Abby with the music today, and trust that I'll be okay without the social interaction of the open house tonight. It was hard, but I did it.

As a result, I got to run by my school and talk with my principal, drop off my car for a much needed oil change, and walk to Panera to just relax and get caught up with people. Tonight I plan on hanging out at the house. I'm exhausted from not sleeping last night, feel emotionally unstable, but more at rest than I have in a while. I'm trying to think into the school year and what things I need to say no to. Can I juggle teaching, school activities, taking classes, leading a discipleship group, going to small group, leading worship for church and other things, being on the mission's board, maintaining friendships...and still remain healthy and sane? NO! I say no!

And everything will be okay. God is so much greater than little old me or you. He loves us, he invites us into being a part of what he is doing, but he doesn't need us to accomplish His plans. A part of His plan is for us to be conformed to the image of Christ. Jesus didn't strive, he didn't worry, he didn't spend sleepless nights wondering how people were perceiving him or if they liked him. He sought the Father. He listened to the Spirit. He walked and lived in obedience. He had nothing and died a criminal's death, but the Father was well pleased from start to finish.