China Schedule

In case anyone is wondering and needs a quick reference for when I'm coming and going this summer, here you go!

June 23- I'm flying to California for team leader training
June 27- I'm flying back to Missouri for Kate and Nick's wedding
June 29- Flying back to Cali to join my team for team training
July 2- Flying to Hong Kong
August 2- Flying to the US (Cali) for debriefing
August 5- Flying back to Missouri

Now you can't say I didn't put it out there for ya!

...and here's my mailing address for anyone who might want it.

Erica Smith
ELIC Hong Kong Office
English Language Institute (Hong Kong), Limited
Rear Portion, 2/F., Ocean View Court, No. 41 Mody Road
Tsim Sha Tsui, Kowloon, Hong Kong

of late....

I have not written on this in a million years! But I don't want to dwell on that. Let's just pretend I posted last week and there's no need to catch up on the last several months. Not that many people even read this, but you know.
There have been several notable things have happened though, that I should add to this here blog.
1. Rob Marshall kissed me on April 24 (Yes, it was amazing and knocked my socks off)
2. Rob Marshall became my boyfriend (and a wonderful and amazing and good lookin' one he is!)
3. Casey gets about 50% of the acclaim for the relationship beginning, as she's the one who encouraged the kiss. :) God gets the other 50%.
4. I made it through a third year of teaching!
5. I had the best birthday ever of my life thanks to my dear friends, the fabulous Kate, and that hunk Rob.
6. Casey, Kate, Allison and I spent four fun and walking filled days in Chicago to celebrate the beginning of summer!
7. I'm leaving for China in about three weeks...and I'm still not sure how I feel about it all the time.

The last couple weeks of the relationship have been a bit trying at times; difficult one could say. Rob's out at Discipleship Focus all summer as a mentor, and it's a pretty all-consuming position. And he lives out there. Hmmmm. Big change from seeing him everyday, sharing meals together, going running together. Bring in the emotions!!!!! That's right, Erica has become emotional. My feelings get hurt. I'm sensitive. I cry! This may not seem like a big deal, but it really is. I hardly ever cry, ask Casey.

So, I didn't really know what to do with all the sudden emotions and felt like I was being silly and girlie. Then I realized it was just that new depths of my heart were being connected to Rob's and that our relationship was growing. So, that's good right? Yeah, but the thing is, growth, in particular love, comes from dying to yourself, your "rights", your desires, your plans. That doesn't feel so good. Enter all the ugly parts of Erica that she hides from everybody! Selfishness, jealousy, impatience, self-centeredness, lack of trust, holding onto control.
Now enter God's grace.
aaaahhhhhhhhhhh. That's better!
It's taken the whole first half of this week to get to the root of things in my heart; why I was responding the way I was, where my fears were stemming from, what it really is that should be the focus of our relationship. It comes to this really, Rob was feeling as if he should have to work harder for me, for my love; like he needed to earn it. So, then he didn't know what to do when I kept just extending out to him my heart, without any need for earning it, but just receiving it and being thankful. In believing this about himself, he then passed the expectation for performance to me, unwittingly. I knew I couldn't meet that expectation, and felt hopeless! (Just for a little bit) We had a great talk about all that, and then God continued to speak to me about it.
Thanks to Romans 5 (the Message) and The Shack, I've come to this- relationships need expectancy, not expectations. Expectancy holds...mystery, hopefulness, excitement, a constant looking to see what's next, and great enjoyment and thankfulness when the thing happens! Expectations hold...rules, requirements, standards, responsibilities, and can lead to an economy of performance, guilt, shame, disappointment, hopelessness, and judgment. Instead of having spoken or unspoken expectations for the other person to meet, I think each person needs to share honestly how their heart receives love, what they need, what they appreciate, and then you just...have...to...trust. Trust that the other person is listening to the Spirit; trust that he is listening to you and remembering; trust that he really is committed; trust that he will continue to grow in knowing how to love you. And trust that God is the ultimate satisfier of your heart's deepest needs, and fills in perfectly all the times we fail.
If its about measuring up or meeting the standard, then its not love. If its about earning, hard work, perfectly fulfilling all the responsibilities, then it's not grace. And a relationship must have both love and grace in abundance.
So, we're learning a lot these days, and I'm so thankful that Rob WANTS to learn with me and is so soft toward our Teacher. I'm also very thankful that today, when we got some treasured time together, I was able to look forward to it expectantly, excitedly. And during the making of sandwiches, eating outside, and going to the lake, I was able to enjoy him, the conversation, his heart, the water, the sunshine, the sweetness SO deeply.
Romans 5 said it beautifully in The Message,
"In alert expectancy such as this [that is grown out of exercising patience in the midst of troubles], we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary, we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"

Spring is coming...

and I can't tell you how that makes my heart sing! The clear, blue sky, the warming temperature, the daffodils peeking up through the dirt: they cause my heart to swell with joy and a feeling of knowing I'm taken care of. A season only lasts for a certain period of time, and on just the right day it all starts turning over to the next one. I see that paralleled in my life, and it brings me comfort. I can walk through anything for a time. You never know when you'll be led into the next season.
This morning I was a little afraid that the next few days were going to be really hard for me, and even when I first woke up my mind was plagued by worries and the temptation to try to figure things out. I spent a little time in Proverbs and a verse stuck out to me. A gracious woman attains honor. It wasn't anything big or fancy, just a gentle reminder of what I'm called to- showing grace to those God puts into my day.
On the way to school I was listening to one of my favorite songs, with the words, "You are the everlasting God. The everlasting God. You do not faint. You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak. You comfort those in need. You lift us up on wings like eagles." It just really caused my heart to take courage, and embrace this day. It's all I know I have, and the everlasting God is present in it with me.
Mysteriously, God caused a huge joy to just fill me, and I found all day that my thoughts were focused, peaceful, intentional. I had the chance to encourage a dear friend of mine, as she's encouraged me so many times. I had some little snippets of time to ask several kids how they're doing and let them know that I notice them. I had a great talk with my vice principal. I'm very thankful for this day.
Thank you, Lord, for the changing seasons, and how running through them is the steadfastness of Your loving provision and sustaining power.

Thursday Thirteen- The Inaugural Edition!

Okay, my friend Carissa- whom I love- does this every week and I decided I wanted to join in!

Thirteen Reasons I'm Thankful to be a Teacher on Valentine's Day

• It's an excuse to make my kids cupcakes


• A chorus of 25 sweet voices saying, "Thank you!"


• Cards that say inspiring things like, "Girls Rock!" and "You're Purrrfect, Valentine!"


• Getting HUGE boxes of chocolates..that I won't eat


• My principal shows the love too! Krispi Kremes for breakfast!


• Seeing how many shades of pink and red fellow teachers can wear


• Unique presents. This year's winner- a gilded bird cage that is a music box


• Taking an opportunity to tell my kids I love them


• Hearing, "You're the best teacher in the world!" and knowing a cupcake was all it took!


• A stuffed dog that sings, " You Make Me Wanna Shout!" and declares love to me!


• Getting a gift certificate for a free mani or pedi!


• Ah...the conversation hearts. Faves: U GO GIRL, MY BOY, TOO HOT, and MAD 4 U


• Knowing I get to see these sweet kids tomorrow too! Unless it snows.

Here are a few documentary photos.

Gratitude

Today I feel slightly overwhelmed by the amount of change going on in my life, mostly due to an overhaul of the heart that Jesus has been working on in the last several weeks. I find myself seeing EVERYthing differently, and, to quote Sara Groves, "The thing I could count on, things I thought would never change, they just broke open wide."

In an attempt to quite my heart I wanted to spend some time reflecting on the things I am sure of, that I'm thankful of, and that I can visually represent for you through the wonders of digital camera work!
First, I'm so thankful for my friends. Since I committed to going to China I haven't allowed my heart to go anywhere close to thinking about what it's going to be like to leave these precious people. In the last couple of weeks, however, as God's been opening up my heart to feel deeply again, I have felt a sensation like tearing of roots in my soul as I've thought of saying goodbye; a dull, aching, foreboding. I don't know, I feel like I'm just one of the most blessed people in the world to have men and women surrounding me who are passionate about Christ and knowing him, who are fun, who are real and vulnerable, who are committed to one another, and who enjoy a glass of wine from time to time. Here are a few of them.

I'm incredibly grateful for a beautiful place to live in. Branson, Missouri may not be for everybody, but I feel like my boundary lines have indeed fallen in pleasant places. I've always loved the changing of each season, the variety of colors and temparatures, having water nearby, driving through the hills going to Arkansas. It's just settling to my heart to be in the midst of this beauty.

Finally, I can't even express the gratitude in my heart for the church that I've been able to be a part of here. It's so much more than a church, or maybe its just that it is what a church should be: intentional, relational, Christ-centered, vulnerable, honest, dedicated to Biblical teaching, relevant, and so filled with...love. Deep, whole-hearted love. Three years ago when I went to China for a year, leaving was a completely different experience. My relationships were not as deep, yet my heart was very emotionally dependent on several of them. The times I would get sermon cds in the mail and could hear familiar voices and teaching were like breathing again. Now I've been a part of Harvest for seven years, and my roots are deeply entrenched in the rich, dark soil of these people, these friendships, this community. Young and old, we're a part of each other in a way that just feels so right.

I don't know what the conclusion for this post is. Maybe it is just to say that as my heart has been opened to seeing people again, to loving them deeply, and to desiring to be where I'm at, with what I've got I feel more than ever that I'm home. The eyes I look into, the voices singing with mine, the arms wrapped around me, the food we eat together, the conversations shared, the communion we receive, the joys and struggles walked through. For this time, these lives are my boundary lines; hemming in my heart's comings and goings.

The worst way to start a day...

...for a teacher, is to come into school and find that nine of her students haven't done their spelling work, which they had all week to do, and which I reminded them about every afternoon!!!! I tell you, its enough to make me have them write their words 100 times each over the weekend!!
In other news, there's been a lot going on in my heart lately, all of it good I'm happy to say. God's been showing me many ways that I've closed my heart off to people, and to Him, in the last year or so. I didn't even realize it was happening, and since I'm such a controller and kind of thick headed I guess, it took a long time for Jesus to get me to see the extent to which I was interacting with others out of fear. Fear of having to face my desires, fear that they wouldn't be met, fear of having to feel emotions like loneliness and jealousy, fear of letting someone else in. It all culminated on Sunday night, when, at 1:30 am I suddenly felt my heart breathe again. It felt alive and open and soft. Until I felt those things, I hadn't even noticed that I hadn't been feeling them. It really has made me think about how we have to be vigilant and watchful with our hearts, and has reminded me that I can't even know my own heart and its condition fully. We are so in need of the Spirit to enlighten us, free us, and help us walk in step with Christ's life and heart.
Well, that post took a turn for the better, now didn't it?!

Monday Night Lights- PeeWee Pirates

I love my kids, and by "my kids" I mean my students. My boys hold a special place in my heart, because this year they're particularly sweet and soft-hearted. Some of them, sweet as they are, also play football, and for the last week have been BEGGING me to come watch them play between the junior high and junior varsity games that were Monday night. How could I turn them down? My friend Kati went with to keep me company. She's my class helper every Friday afternoon when we're finishing up our crazy day.
















It was just so adorable how excited they were to see me there. Who would think that fifth grade boys would care so much? It made my day!



















These boys were in my class last year.